Ups and Downs. Highs and Lows.

During a reflection session after my first trip to the Dominican Republic, I’ll never forget Lynne Moquete asking our group to share a high and a low from the trip. It was foreign at first, but now, that’s my favorite thing to ask friends when they get back from trips. I love it. It’s a great way to get a good story and it’s also a great way to get a feeling for an experience that may be hard to explain. It’s an awesome alternative for the ever impossible to answer question, “well, how was it?” How was my 27 months of living alone in a foreign culture and language? How was my 27 months of trial and error? How was my 27 months without seeing my Grandma? How was is getting to feel connected to a community in a way I never imagined possible? And then how was it to leave them? Well… I can tell you now that I won’t be able to answer that. And few Returned PCVs can. But we can all sure as hell tell you a high and tell you a low. Cause in every experience, especially the best ones, plenty of lows come with the highs. Plenty of downs accompany the ups.

unrelated picture of me in a river

When they say this journey as a Peace Corps Volunteer is full of ups and downs (and by they I mean every PCV in existence), they aren’t kidding. The rollercoaster is real and it’s intense. Ups and down of homesickness; of feeling productive and feeling like you’ve done nothing for 16 months; of wanting to go home and wanting to stay forever; of feeling wanted and feeling unappreciated. It’s crazy how high you can feel one moment and something happens that sends you completely to the other spectrum in a matter of minutes here.  Sure, things happen here that are worse than things that happen in the states, and sure we may accomplish things that are grander than we could accomplish in the states…. But I have a theory that it’s the volunteer and the nature of our emotional state being abroad, that makes the highs so high and the lows so low…

This week I went to help out an Early Stimulation class with kids under 3 years old. We teach the kids to sing and dance, their colors, what sound a cow makes, etc. Whenever I can, I help out the health promoter, which she appreciates immensely. To maintain one kid that age is tough, imagine six or seven! But this morning a new kid came to the class and he would not leave his mom because I was there. He was cowering away from me. His mom said, “don’t worry, she’s gonna leave.” Here I am, away from home, away from all that is familiar, getting paid less than 300 dollars a month, just to try to improve the life and future of your community, of your child, and this is what I get. This mom used me as a way to get her kid to listen to her, “If you don’t stop crying, the gringa will take you away!”, and it backfired. Because now he is outside crying while all the other kids are inside having a grand old time playing “kitchen” with me. And I got pretty worked up. Just because of one kid. Just because one mom, who is doing the best she can with the hardest job in the world, decided to use a method, although at the cost of myself, that works, I got myself into a pretty deep low. And that’s how it is being here. We are vulnerable and feel things deeper because of that vulnerability. It isn’t until we step away from the moment that we can calm down.

And that’s what I did. I stepped away. I took a walk. I allowed myself a second to feel sad and lonely. And then I reminded myself of all the good I have here. Of all the parents that adore me for what I am doing for their kids. Of all the parents that say, “If you stop crying, Miss Alexis will come visit!” So then I sucked it up stopped feeling sad and lonely and turned around. I finished my walk and returned to the class. The scared boy was sitting in the corner a safe distance from me, and I went to build a tower with a different kid. The health promoter gave the scared boy a tube and told him to make a sound with it. As he did, I pretended to get startled, gasping in fright. OH how he loved that! As I went back to my tower, he made another sound, and I jumped again. What joy! He was doubled over laughing and we continued like that long after I assumed he’d get bored of it. Afterwards, he slowly made his way over to me, wanting to play some more. Who wouldn’t want to play with the goofy gringa who actually isn’t that scary?

I left class feeling great. I stimulated a few young minds and helped a boy conquer his fear of green eyed people. Although it may seem little, it was a lot to me. And I think I felt even higher because of the low I had to come up from. I think I felt higher because of the resilience that paid off.  I’m sure I felt higher because I’m a Peace Corps Volunteer and we feel a lot of feels.

Hi

I am sitting in the kitchen of my new apartment writing this blog! Just by moving up the street I have changed my living conditions 100 percent! I now have tile floors in my kitchen and bathroom. (Tile is saying A LOT in a PCV’s standard of living). The floor of my room is cement- an upgrade from dirt floors. The bathroom and sink is inside the house, so I don’t have to leave into the cold in the middle of the night (or pee in my pee-bucket). The room is sealed so less bugs. I’m closer to everything and on the main street, so less muddy shoes walking down to my room that was in the boonies. I loved where I lived and wouldn’t have changed that experience. Living with a host family was a challenge but taught me a lot in patience. I think it’s an important and crucial part of integration for a PCV. I know why they make it mandatory in Peru to live with a host family for the first year. Safety, language learning, socialization, the list goes on. But for me, moving out after the first year was important for my sanity and to make it through the second year without losing it. 

So now I am on my own living with my friend, Bianca, who is a teacher here. The best part is being independent again and coming and going as I please. Plus having the company of a like-minded friend who is the same age as me! I have lots of friends in Chocta, and we get along great! But talking with someone who has a university education, was raised in a more “modern family” who are all educated and successful, is so nice. When I talk about travel, I don’t get the response of “Oh I’ve never left Chocta because we don’t have money,” but instead I get to hear Bianca’s stories of traveling and family vacations. It’s a nice change. 

Since school is back in session (their equivalent to summer break is January and February here), time has started to move fast again! I don’t know where March went. These next months are going to be busy and go by fast as well, I hope. The Health Post is more willing to support me in my project goals than last year, and it’s looking like we are going to have a successful year. It definitely took a while to gain their trust and for them to understand my role as a Community Health Volunteer. That is a struggle for those of us who are the first volunteer placed in a community. We have the task of explaining what Peace Corps is and establishing what are our roles here.  I think the health workers thought I would be here doing their jobs. Monthly check ups, writing informes, seeing patients. So when they noticed my work was more health promotion and I was in people’s homes doing house visits more than in the health post, they were a little confused. But now that that is all cleared up, our relationship is much better! And for the next volunteer that comes, it should be a quicker and easier initiation. In each community, ideally three volunteers will cycle through, giving the community a period of six years of Peace Corps support, fyi.

So that’s where I am! Sitting in my fancy apartment trudging along on this journey with its ups and downs. So heres to having more ups than downs this month!